Now we are six

My daughter is now six, and a lot has happened since my last post. But some things have not changed. She remains a curious, creative, mischievous character, who forever keeps me on my toes. Being Mama to such an individual is a joy, and at times, a pain!

She is in Year One at school now, and let me tell you, there is no certainty like a child who has discovered something at school. Here is a conversation we had this week:

G: Is baby Jesus dead?
Me: Well, some people think so. Some people think he died and then came back to life.
G: and some people think that baby Jesus was eaten by someone.
Me:...um, no. No they don't.
G: Yes they do. Someone ate him.
Me: [Ponders a discussion on transubstantiation].

Six is an interesting age. There is a solemness to it, a sense of awareness that hasn't been present before. Year One represents a big transition for G, and she has lamented the fact that she gets to play now far less than she did in Reception. There is a sadness about that for her, and I feel it too. She is generally a cheerful soul though, and also points out that at least there isn't as much arguing over dolls.

She is of course starting to make sense of her life and her family. They were discussing their lives, homes and families at schools a few weeks ago, which is why I suspect we ended up having the following conversation:

G: But Mummy is my proper Mummy though, isn't she?

Me: Why?

G: Because I came out of her tummy.

And she did come out of her Mummy's tummy. But, as I then explained to her from the driving seat of the car (why do these conversations always happen on the motorway?), I helped make sure she was in Mummy's tummy. It was mine and Mummy's decision to have a baby, and we were the people who got the 'help' we needed to make a baby. We made her together, and I am just as much her mummy as Mummy is. She didn't say very much and then promptly fell asleep for the rest of the journey. 

I can't deny that I shed a tear or two after that conversation. But I also have to acknowledge that this is almost certainly the result of a conversation that she had in the playground with another child, a child who was curious about a different family set-up to their own. G and I have a unique and close relationship, which I am proud and protective of. That she can have these conversations with me, however painful, is a good thing. Her honesty and her curiosity will stand her in good stead as she grows and experiences life.

Six days old

My last post focused on the birth, and so now that M is six days old, I thought it might be good to fill in the gap since then. M is doing wonderfully. She was in hospital for a few days with R, and lost a little bit of weight to start with. R found feeding quite difficult to start with but is determined to breastfeed. She is doing a great job, especially since with a C section there is often up to a 48 hour delay for the milk coming in. Once home though, things began to improve. 

I don't need to write about the challenges of sleep deprivation. They are of course something of a cliche for new parents. I will however write about the joy if having my little family home. It's not always easy, but it is definitely worth it. There have been some wonderful moments already and I look forward to many more to come. 

Feeding is going better, but it is, without question not just a skill but a team effort. M is now putting on weight and doing very well. She is a surprisingly laid back baby given how traumatic her birth was. And while things didn't go to plan to start with, she is coping very well with the outside world. As for R, well, I don't think I've ever been prouder. She has dealt with our unexpected birth experiences and all the challenges so far brilliantly. She is without doubt a wonderful mummy. It will take her some time to fully recover from surgery, but she's healing beautifully. 

M is without question the most beautiful baby in the world (spot the cliche) and I am a very proud mama. The three of us have really enjoyed bonding. Long may it continue! 

My thoughts on Mothering Sunday

Here in the UK it is Mother's Day, or as my own Mum prefers to call it, Mothering Sunday. It does make it sound more spiritual, although it does make me feel as though we ought to mark it in church or something which we haven't done.

R and I sent our own Mothers' cards, and we also sent each other little 'mum-to-be' cards. It's funny to think that, all being well, by Mother's Day 2014 we will have a little baby of our own.

As those of you who have read previous posts will know, I started this blog to try and make sense of my role as the non-biological child that my wife, R, is currently pregnant with. We are 15 weeks pregnant today and contemplating how our lives will change. One of the wonderful things I have discovered about writing this blog, is how many people feel similarly to me. It has been fantastic reading comments and tweets from people sharing their very diverse experiences.

One thing that has become abundantly clear, and that I have found enormously comforting, has been that while I won't share the biological and birth giving connection to my child that my wife has, I will have my own bond with my son or daughter, she she will not have. We will have our own very special roles, neither one more important than the other. This has been a rather delightful revelation to me. So, no, the child won't have my green eyes, but it may well share my sense of humour. And while R will have the connection of breast feeding, I will be the one, while R is on maternity leave, that the baby will enjoy returning home from work.

Finally, this Mothering Sunday, I'd just like to take a moment to think about those who aren't mums and wish they were, or those whose mums are no longer with us. I always think this must be a very tough time for them.

What's in a name?

A phone call last week:

Me: hello mum, I just thought you'd want to know that me and R have chosen our names for when the baby comes. Do you want to hear them?

Mum: Don't you want to keep them secret until the baby is here? I feel a bit superstitious about knowing names before he or she is here...

Me: no mum, we've not even got that far yet. I mean the names for us, what the baby will call us!

This is something that most straight couples don't go through. Yet, for us, people often ask us what we will be called, and in turn, we ask other same-sex parents what they do.

We had several options, including:
1 - just being 'mum and dad'. This was swiftly discounted as it could confuse the child, and perhaps other children too. I do have a strange fondness of the 'dad' name though, although I feel faintly disloyal about that...
2 - being 'mummy S and mummy R'. This seemed a bit long winded, and a bit too contrived.
3 - being 'mum' and 'mummy'. This felt too similar.
4 - being 'mummy' and 'mama'. To start with I wasn't sure. But then I realised something... Children always say 'mama' before mummy, and so the baby will say my name first! In addition, I have decided that if the child ever says 'dada', I'll claim that as me too.

Ultimately, at some point, my son or daughter will make their own mind up about what to call us, regardless of what we choose, and so much the better!