Writing and parenting - it's been a while but I have a new book coming out!

It's tough doing almost anything but parenting when you have a little one isn't it?! My daughter turned four earlier this month, which is pretty incredible. Today she started pre-school!

Parenting is, for the most part, lots of fun. However, it is also all-consuming, hard work and not for those who value personal time. That is why my second novel, Her Shadow, has taken so long to write. However, this Autumn it will be published on Amazon, and I am really proud of it.

Here's the back page blurb:

Cameron Strawbank's job as a high society fundraiser finds her wining and dining the great and the good. Following a five figure donation, her professional and personal life collide with dramatic consequences when she finds herself in bed with a prominent politician. Sara Lorenzo is a well known shadow cabinet minister, and what begins as a fling, becomes a relationship that surprises both women. Before long, the tabloid press discover their affair, and its apparent link to cash, and lurid headlines follow, forcing the couple apart. Sara prioritises safeguarding her career and Cameron is left with her working and personal life in tatters, and flees the country with an old flame.

Cameron's desire to find out how Sara really feels about her, brings her back to the UK, despite the guilt she carries. Is there any chance of a future together? She attempts to rebuild a career, and forge a new connection with Sara when tragedy hits in the form of a suspected terrorist attack in central London.

This is a story of love, loss, friendship, adventure, politics and forgiveness that will keep you guessing to the very end.

You can find out more at my author website, and also by joining my mailing list. I'm going to host a launch event in a few weeks time, so sign up if you want first dibs on tickets!

Mummy, Mama and Mothering Sunday

My daughter is beautiful. I love her more than I could ever imagine. I love being a parent. 

On Sunday it is Mothering Sunday. I can honestly say I have absolutely no feelings about it whatsoever. It's not that I don't feel like a mum, it's just it feels so artificial to me. 

A little while ago me and R had a chat about Mothers Day and decided that it would be 'her' day to receive a card and small present from M. I have decided to claim Father's Day as my own. Not becauseI identify as a father per se, but so that when other children are making cards for their Dads at nursery, M can make one for me and not feel left out. 

In some ways, I fulfill a really traditional 'dad' role. I go to work while R stays at home, I look after the car and general maintenance, and R does the cooking and tidying and household management. It's weird to be such a stereotype - although given we are both women, perhaps society will let us off?

Maybe I'll have some kind of epiphany on Sunday, but I doubt it. In the meantime, roll on Father's Day. Perhaps I should start jangling keys in my pocket and talking about traffic on the motorway to complete my cliched role...

Sleep o'clock

M is now six months old, and among other things, can sit up unaided and enjoy a swing! However, it is also time for us to organise a more reasonable bedtime for her. For the first few months she just came to bed when we did. But recently we've noticed she gets very grumpy around 7pm and then has a long nap. So, the time has come...

...sleep training!

Night 1 (yesterday): 40 mins of crying from a small baby with a very cross face as I carried her around the bedroom, finally settling her in the cot. It was a real head over heart thing - I felt really mean but knew that she was safe, fed, warm and simply tired. It was such a relief when she finally dropped off. 

Night 2: about the same amount of crying, but it started earlier this time - she was definitely very cross with me! But now, here we are, downstairs, wondering what we did with our evenings before M. She's been asleep upstairs in her cot for an hour. 

A new beginning - we have our evenings back!

Five months older and wiser

My daughter will be five months old later on this week. It's hard to believe really. In one sense it has flown by, but in another I can no longer recall my life before she arrived. 

Both me and R are working out how to balance our needs with hers. It's important that our needs are prioritised too - without happy mummies, M won't be happy herself. For me, the balancing act of course also involves work. 

Most of the time it is fine, I manage to get most of what I want done and fulfill my responsibilities. It's a role, as many fathers can I am sure attest to, that is hard. There is a cult of motherhood which makes those of us who go out to work feel sometimes we can't complain about the sleep loss or the old life we miss. Whatever we are going through, it is perceived, mummy is going through worse. And perhaps that is true. But it is important that I allow myself to feel how I feel without guilt.

Beeps, squeaks and the Sound of Music

Do any other parents find themselves in a world of strange sounds involving beeps, squeaks clicks and woos? And I don't mean the babies, I mean us. I spend an inordinate amount of time oretending that my daughter's nose goes beep and that jogging up and down on my legs is like being on a horse - to a largely non-plussed baby.

The other day I sang Edelweiss, famously in the Sound of Music, and ended up re-enacting the whole of the last third of the Sound of Music, including hiding from Nazis in the convent and escaping over the mountains. M was largely unmoved, but I enjoyed myself. 

Here's a thought - maybe all this playing about a noise-making is about us, and not them!

Sleep is for the weak

There she is. Isn't she beautiful like that? All sleeping and angelic. Bless. 

However, it seems we have hit a new phase that no one told me about. Four months heralds a return to waking up every hour or so at night to a crying/hungry/grumpy/squeaky baby. She hasn't been this unsettled at night since the very early days. What on earth has happened? Well, apparently this is typical of the four month stage in many babies because all sorts of crazy stuff is happening in their brains. 

I asked my mum about it on the phone today but all she remembers is me sleeping for as long as possible at all times. This is definitely true of me now. In fact as late as 5 years old I was still having two long naps in the day followed by 12 hours sleep at night.  If only little M had my genes!

So, good luck to all those neuro pathways that are developing. But please let them sort themselves out soon!

Top ten parenting milestones

Everyone who has a baby will be familiar with the idea of milestones - first smile, first sitting up, first steps, first words, first dry night etc etc etc. So, with that in mind I have devised some key parenting milestones:

1) Abject terror - some point in the six hours after you get your baby home and realise this is now your life. 

2) Projectile poo on several items of your own clothing thanks to your baby - week one

3) Develop ability to make cups of tea while still asleep - week two

4) Confusion because there are so many guidelines about feeding, sleeping and general safety that make logical sense but do not seem compatible with your baby - one to four weeks. 

5) Guilt about the above - four to six weeks. 

6) Decision made to stop feeling guilty about the guidelines you don't follow because you know your baby best - six to eight weeks. 

7) Look at newborn babies and barely remember that your child was once that small and new - eight weeks. 

8) Sense of achievement that you have finally nailed your baby's routine and have a much better idea of what you're doing - around ten weeks. 

9) Utter horror that everything has changed and your baby has stopped doing anything predictable suddenly - around three months. 

10)Sigh that this is your lot as a parent - around three months. 

Yes, I've been through all these (and many others). What are yours?

Vaccination day - brought to you by Calpol

We took M to have her first vaccinations today. No parent enjoys seeing their child upset, and inevitably, any baby is going to object to having injections, especially when she has no idea what is going on. She was actually very good, although she has been very grumpy and upset all afternoon and evening. It makes it hard to remember sometimes why we do it. But I have absolutely no doubt that we have done the right thing in having her vaccinated against diseases that are virtually unheard of in this day an age. But if course, that is why they are unheard of. 

One of the conditions she was vaccinated against today was Diphtheria. In the 1930s this was the third leading cause of death in children in England and Wales. My Nan, who was a child in the early part of the 20th Century had Diphtheria before the vaccine was available. Once diagnosed with the illness, her terrified mother arranged for her to go to a sanitorium, which is what happened at that time. It was a very dangerous condition and she was very unwell. I remember her telling me about the little girl in the bed next to hers, who also had Diphtheria. One day, her parents came in to see her, bringing a brand new very expensive doll as a gift.  The girl died later that week. Nan was, fortunately, one of the lucky ones. She was in the sanitorium for a long time, but she recovered. She lived into her late 80s. 

I feel so very lucky to live in a time and place where Diphtheria - among many others - is a disease from another generation. This is what I am remembering as I give my daughter Calpol to ease the discomfort she is feeling. 

Things they don't tell you about parenthood

In the run up to having a baby, there seems to be so much that people don't tell you about parenting. There are books, and everyone has advice, but there are critical gaps... For example, I never knew:

1. How much I want to cry myself every time my baby cries for more than about 10 minutes in one go
2. How long something needs to go in boiling water before it is properly sterile
3. How you can manage to keep it sterile given that everything else in the household is not - including me and the baby
4. Baby books are full of 'advice' about sleeping which bears no resemblance to real babies and how they behave
5. Ditto the above re feeding
6. Ditto the above re crying
7. There is absolutely no rational way to parent
8. Babies continue to be an absolute joy, no matter how much of the other rubbish goes on
9. I have no idea what I did with my time before my daughter was born
10. I am so very lucky. A report last week gave the statistic that 1 in 133 babies in England don't survive past a week old. A shocking figure, and one that I have witnessed to be true through the experiences of others. 

Back to work

M is eight weeks old today. I was so lucky to have four weeks away from work after she was born, but now I've been back for four more. I have to confess, the first week or two were tough. Disturbed sleep and a clear head do not go together, and inevitably, in my absence, a few things in my part of the company have gone awry. I spent a lot of the first few weeks clearing up a couple of messes. I'm in a lucky position, meaning I can work from home a day or two a week. This means I can spend time with M while offering support to R. I've even managed to be productive at home, which is a pleasant surprise. Looking after M between two people is vastly easier than on your own. 

M continues to be a joy. Rather marvellously she has started smiling at us in the last week, which is indescribably wonderful. The balance between work and parenthood isn't always easy, and I'm a little nervous about the upcoming week, where I'll be away from home overnight, leaving R to fend for herfelf for 36 hours. I have my fingers crossed that M will have a 'low maintanance' night and that I don't come home to find them both a bit frayed at the edges. 

Biology and race: a dangerous obsession

I warn you now, this is going to be a bit of a rant...

For the last few days we have all seen headlines like the one below in newspapers. 

I want to ask you to think about whether this headline would be acceptable were the word 'gypsies' replaced with 'blacks' or 'asians'. No, it doesn't seem right does it? That's because this is racism, pure and simple. From what I gather, the child seized in Greece has been taken by the authorities on the basis of being blonde and not connected to her parents by DNA. On that basis, presumably in a few years time I should expect Police to come sniffing around me and my daughter. She will almost certainly have different colouring to me and definitely has no DNA connection to me. That doesn't make her any less my daughter. I helped bring her into the world, change her nappies, cuddle her, care for her and fear for the future for her, as most parents do. Of course, I am not a Roma gypsy, and therein lies my safety. 

One of the most worrying things about this news story is the fact that on the back of this, two children closer to home, in Ireland, were taken from their Roma parents because they looked different to them. Following DNA tests they were returned. What kind of trauma is being inflicted on these families? I cannot even begin to imagine the horror of having one's child taken away. 

So where will this end? I urge you all to think carefully about what parenting is really about, because in my view it has bugger all to do with DNA or ethnicity. It has everything to do with love and responsibility. 

The new me

I've written a few times about the predictable cliches people come out with about having a baby. I have come to an alarming conclusion...

...they are all true!

So, let's get them out of the way: My life has changed beyond all recognition, I'm surviving on half my usual amount of sleep, it's hard work being a parent, I don't have room in my life for anything else at the moment etc etc. It is all, without question, wonderful, and I am very aware that while there are challenges, I am very lucky to have a baby at all. For some people, sleepless nights and poo-ey nappies are something unobtainable. I love my daughter, and can no longer imagine life without her.

M is 10 days old today and already my routine and approach to life has changed. Now, a few minutes to read the paper and drink tea while it is still hot is a rare luxury. My shower at the beginning of each day is something to savour, and at times, nights are something to dread. 

I think M is having a growth spurt at the moment. She is putting on lots of weight, and demanding feeds from R on an almost hourly basis. R is coping really well and now has the art of popping a boob out down to a fine art. She's only forgotten to put her top back up over her bra once so far...

I am lucky to be on parental leave for now. When I go back to work the routine will change again, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime I am concentrating on enjoying my daughter and looking after my wife. 

My thoughts on Mothering Sunday

Here in the UK it is Mother's Day, or as my own Mum prefers to call it, Mothering Sunday. It does make it sound more spiritual, although it does make me feel as though we ought to mark it in church or something which we haven't done.

R and I sent our own Mothers' cards, and we also sent each other little 'mum-to-be' cards. It's funny to think that, all being well, by Mother's Day 2014 we will have a little baby of our own.

As those of you who have read previous posts will know, I started this blog to try and make sense of my role as the non-biological child that my wife, R, is currently pregnant with. We are 15 weeks pregnant today and contemplating how our lives will change. One of the wonderful things I have discovered about writing this blog, is how many people feel similarly to me. It has been fantastic reading comments and tweets from people sharing their very diverse experiences.

One thing that has become abundantly clear, and that I have found enormously comforting, has been that while I won't share the biological and birth giving connection to my child that my wife has, I will have my own bond with my son or daughter, she she will not have. We will have our own very special roles, neither one more important than the other. This has been a rather delightful revelation to me. So, no, the child won't have my green eyes, but it may well share my sense of humour. And while R will have the connection of breast feeding, I will be the one, while R is on maternity leave, that the baby will enjoy returning home from work.

Finally, this Mothering Sunday, I'd just like to take a moment to think about those who aren't mums and wish they were, or those whose mums are no longer with us. I always think this must be a very tough time for them.

Mood swings anyone?

Pages of pregnancy books are devoted to the emotions of the mother-to-be and some of the challenges she can face. She is dealing with the enormity of the forthcoming arrival of parenthood, worries about the baby, physical symptoms of pregnancy and, of course, hormones. They are right to devote those pages. The pressure on pregnant women is immense.

What is very rarely discussed is the emotional impact on the other partner. In one of the pregnancy books we've got, there's a section on how the father-to-be might get a bit worried about the impact a new baby might have on his cricket and football playing, and going down the pub with his mates... Personally, I can't relate to that, although it did make me smile. More recently though I've begun to have my own stresses.

Will I be able to provide for the child?

Will I be a good enough parent?

How will we ever get our home ready in time for the baby's arrival?

How can I support R best?

If R is in a bad mood, is it a failing on my part?

This is supposed to be a happy and exciting time. Why am I so stressed?

Which all leads to guilt!

R has definitely had moments of being tearful, snappy and perhaps *whispers* irrational. But she's not alone. I have too. I think it is safe to say that *both* R and I have been able to tick off quite a few of those pregnancy emotions.

Not so long ago I read that depression and anxiety during pregnancy is more common in mums than postnatal depression. I can believe it. But I think it has a further reach than just the pregnant party.